No matter what you do for a living, no matter how solid your personal life is, no matter how great things seem to be going in life, chances are you encounter some drama from time to time! Yes, I am certain of it. And, chances are, often you may be dealing with some legitimate stress that pushes you to the limit of sanity.
- That coworker that makes you bonkers because they interrupt you every 10 minutes.
- That family member that’s so negative it’s hard to listen to another word.
- That client that chose another offer instead of yours.
- That negotiation with a completely unreasonable person made your blood boil.
- That rude person who is supposed to be giving you good service.
- That person who talked $@#$ about you behind your back and you found out about it.
- That sibling that can’t get their act together and makes really poor decisions that adversely affect people you love.
- That significant other that drives me crazy every time they _____________________…(insert rant here)
Did I hit a nerve?
Moving from hothead to calm in the storm was a process for me. Part of it was the natural maturing process and part of it was I made a choice to become the type of person who would be a great resource in times of chaos. I had some great mentors in this space, and here are some things that I learned over the years:
Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
This may be the granddaddy of them all with all due credit to Stephen Covey for the quote. I’ve helped quite a few people manage through conflict and frequently the explosions evolve from an inability to listen, hear, and attempt to understand someone else’s point of view. We come into the situation with conviction and dismiss the other person, who may be coming with the same level of conviction just looking through another lens. Often, just hearing someone out and conveying that you understand their point of view is helpful in reducing tense situations. In fact, I would add to the quote. Seek first to understand, then communicate your understanding, and then to be understood.
Do the proactive work.
I love talking about the morning kickstart. And, one of my daily morning habits is 10 minutes of silent meditation. This is one of the first things I do each day. Why? We are constantly bombarded with external stimuli. Our brains aren’t wired for that. Short periods of silence and a focus on breathing can really prepare you for some of the things that fly at you each day. Also, prayer is another part of this. I thank God at the beginning of each day for both the opportunities and the challenges I face.
Reframe challenges into opportunities for growth.
When you deal with a challenging situation, or a difficult person, or any sort of drama where you start asking questions like “Why me?” or “Did that really need to happen?”. First of all, I’ve been there. And please hear me, it’s pointless to wallow in those questions. Once you determine that life will throw challenges our way, we all face them, and those who fulfill their dreams and live to the fullest are able to change their perspective. Here are the key questions that will lead to that positive change: ”What can I learn from this?” “How can I grow from this?” “What might I do differently next time?” “Can I inject some positivity here?” “How might I help someone else through this?” These are the powerful questions to start asking to bring meaning and value to even the hardest times.
Give people grace:
I’m not perfect and neither are you. Neither is the person that is driving you crazy. And, sometimes the person driving you crazy has a reason for their approach to life. Sometimes it’s past trauma that affects the mind, sometimes it’s past trauma or a medical condition that impacts their brain. Sometimes they’ve had a horrible day and acting out. I’m not making excuses, if you are the person lashing out because of any of these things then it’s up to you to seek help and make improvements. Let’s just remember we are all, generally speaking, doing the best we can with what we are working with. And, when you let someone else ruin your day – you’ve given them tremendous power in your life. Stop it.
Give yourself some time to respond.
This one is so simple and difficult. You know when something sets you off. Unless you are unique, many times that in-the-moment reaction will cause you to say or do something you will regret. Maybe take a pause, take a walk, remove yourself from the situation, and be a little more thoughtful.
*Have a look at our blogs on Forgiveness and Gratitude, these are two additional major components of becoming more calm through chaos.
Now, there is harmony to this dance just like almost everything in life. It’s OK to get upset, to get mad, to be sad, to respond to others. It’s OK to be strong and take a stand. I recommend not allowing others to take advantage of you and also letting people know when they aren’t treating you properly. You can honor your emotions, stand up for yourself, AND do it in a way using the above techniques that will be more effective and also lower stress for you. Here is the acronym I’ve shared before, and we go into more detail on this in our OTGO community.
C.A.L.M.
Collect yourself, your thoughts, and other inputs.
Assess your options. Focus on what you can control.
Lay out the path forward and communicate with others if appropriate.
Move! Or decide not to. Sometimes, doing nothing is the right answer.
And by the way, I’ve hired and promoted a lot of people over the years. When I see a high level of emotional intelligence in someone, and this is absolutely part of that, it goes a long way in telling me whether they would be a good leader or manager of people.
If you are volatile and sometimes unapproachable when things go sideways, it is very difficult to have a positive influence on others because they aren’t sure what version of you they are going to get from day to day. This also leads to a distorted picture of things because people are less willing to share if they are concerned about your reaction.
For me, I am going to work on the “Seek first to understand” part with those closest to me. I can do a better job with my family by listening intently when someone has a problem and communicating my understanding before jumping to try and help them solve it. What about you? Where can you improve here?
“Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” – Unknown
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