Picture this: You’re facing someone across a conference table (or worse, in their driveway) who’s threatening lawsuits, public attacks, and everything short of burning your business to the ground. They have nothing to lose, and you have everything at stake. Sound familiar?
As leaders and professionals, we’ve all been there – caught in that impossible space where emotions run high, stakes are higher, and traditional negotiation tactics feel about as useful as bringing a spoon to a knife fight.
What if There’s a Better Way?
But what if I told you there’s a proven method that transforms these volatile situations from potential disasters into opportunities for genuine resolution? Not just Band-Aid fixes or forced compromises, but real, lasting agreements that preserve relationships and reputations?
During a recent Rotary event, I discovered that my instinctive approach to defusing high-stakes conflicts aligned perfectly with a framework used by none other than the FBI. Yes, the same people who negotiate with hostage-takers have a formula that works just as well for angry clients, disgruntled employees, and deal-breaking disputes.
Before you roll your eyes thinking this is another “just listen better” article, stick with me. This isn’t about being a doormat or giving in to unreasonable demands. It’s about wielding the most powerful tools in human psychology to turn adversaries into allies – or at least into people willing to sign on the dotted line.
A Real-Life Example
Let me share a recent real estate nightmare that could have really hurt my company’s reputation if not handled properly, and how this five-step method not only saved the deal but taught me something profound about the art of conflict resolution formula in business.
This real estate customer was not happy. And, I don’t think the real issue was the agent on my team – I believe she was just unhappy with her overall circumstances. In any case, she was threatening us with lawsuits and a smear campaign, so I found myself eyeball to eyeball with someone who cared nothing about relationship or character and everything about a one-sided outcome. Have you ever been there? Where you have much to lose and the other person has nothing to lose? This makes for a very difficult resolution or negotiation.
I’ve always gone to bat for the people in companies I’ve led. There have been many times where I’ve been called in to diffuse conflict that was seemingly spiraling out of control. In many cases, if the conflict is a “normal” part of someone’s role, such as intense negotiation for a real estate agent, I would work on teaching and empowering them to be able to handle these situations. Other times, if it was a major distraction and highly volatile, I would handle it on my own and then share the story with the team for a learning lesson. The reason? I’ve seen emotionally charged up scenarios sideline people from what matters most and really impact incomes in a negative way.
In this scenario, we had made a mistake, and I was prepared to negotiate in a way where we owned it, made a concession at an appropriate level, and all agree to move on. My process for doing so was the following. I’d never really thought it through until I was at a Rotary event recently as a guest of a good friend, and a former leader in the FBI shared their conflict resolution formula:
- Active listening
- Empathy
- Rapport
- Influence
- Behavior change
Putting the Conflict Resolution Formula into Action
And, this takes courage. It’s easy to jump right to explaining our side and trying to make the other person feel less validated in their opinion. This can work, but the odds are against you. I’ve handled highly volatile situations in the past where all it took were steps 1 and 2 above and the problem goes away because a human being got something off their chest and felt better – and that they were at least understood even if not agreed with.
And, if I could offer a bit of advice. Slow down a bit for steps 1-3. It is so obvious when people are listening to respond instead of listening to understand and relate.
So, let’s break this down a bit more:
- Active listening: If you are in a sales or leadership role, this will be a review. When you are listening to someone and want them to know it, eye contact is a must. Leaning forward signals interest. Taking notes if appropriate lets them know you want to hear them with accuracy. And yes, repeating back what you heard them say as a summary gains confirmation on both sides that you got it.
- Empathy: This does not mean you agree. This means that you acknowledge that from their perspective, this matter is important and this is their lens for viewing the situation. Right or wrong. Or somewhere in between.
- Rapport: Look for something, anything where you can agree. It may be an area of common ground outside of the matter at hand. Mutual friends or hobbies, kids in school or same age and challenges associated. I remember I was in a negotiation once with someone who was losing their mind. I said, “You know, I really respect how much you care about your clients. You are passionate about what you do and that is admirable.” Now, did that mean I allowed this person to yell and disrespect me? Of course not, I handled that in steps 4 and 5 but we have to get this order right in order to impact behavior.
- Influence: This is where you state your position. Do it with respect, kindness, firmness, and confidence. If you can ask open ended questions here that is a positive. “How do you think considering both sides we might accomplish _______________.” “If we come to terms on _________________ what pathway might get us to ________________________?”
- Behavior change: This is the result. Our initial goal is to get them to change. However, if we are adults and now have complete understanding of the other side, it is quite possible there may be a need for bilateral change to get to agreement. In other words, check the ego at the door so we don’t get too entrenched in a position that is not reasonable to the outcome.
Empathy and rapport do have their limits. In our real estate example above we came to agreement based on what we both agreed was fair, and then at the closing table this person threatened to walk away if we didn’t give more. She also said she wasn’t going to sign the agreement that stipulated our concession and what her obligations were as a result. I politely told her absolutely not, and after some under-breath-mumbling, she signed and the deal closed. Rapport and empathy should not be mistaken for excessive concessions or getting taken advantage of.
Friction and differing opinions are part of life. Our ability to cope and navigate a volatile landscape without becoming overly stressed and volatile ourselves will have a direct impact on our level of influence. And our income.